Chapter 2

HOW DOES A NARCISSIST ACT?

2.1 How does a narcissist think?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may often view relationships through a framework of winning and losing, superior and inferior, admired and ignored. Instead of seeing other people as completely separate individuals with their own needs, feelings, and boundaries, they may see people mainly in terms of what those people can provide for them.

Their thinking may revolve around questions such as: How am I being perceived? Who admires me? Who is challenging me? Who can benefit me? Who is threatening my position? How can I remain in control?

Criticism may feel like a personal attack because it threatens the image they have of themselves. Rather than considering whether the criticism is reasonable, they may focus on defending themselves, protecting their reputation, or proving that the other person is wrong.

If you search for “how narcissist thinks,” remember that trying to understand their thinking does not mean you can think your way into making them care about your feelings. You cannot reason someone into empathy if they are unwilling to develop it. Focus less on changing their internal world and more on understanding the behaviour you are experiencing and protecting your own wellbeing.

2.2 How does a narcissist plan?

A narcissistic person may plan their actions around gaining admiration, avoiding blame, protecting their image, and maintaining control. Their plans may include charm offensives designed to win someone back, strategies for winning arguments, or behaviours that gradually make another person more emotionally or practically dependent on them.

Their planning may focus heavily on self-protection and personal advantage rather than on what benefits everyone involved. They may ask themselves, “What makes me look good?” rather than, “What is fair for both of us?”

Healthy planning in a relationship usually considers the needs and wishes of both people. It involves compromise, communication, and mutual benefit. When one person's plans consistently revolve around their own image, comfort, power, or advantage, it can create an unhealthy imbalance.

Pay attention not only to what someone says their intentions are, but also to the pattern of what they actually do.

2.3 How does a narcissist behave?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may frequently need to be the centre of attention, struggle to accept responsibility, and show limited empathy when their behaviour hurts others. They may feel entitled to special treatment, become angry when criticized, or expect others to accommodate their needs.

They may also behave very differently depending on who is watching. They can appear charming, generous, and considerate around strangers or in public while being critical, dismissive, or controlling in private.

Another common pattern is keeping score. They may remember your past mistakes and bring them up whenever you raise a current concern, using old events to avoid addressing the issue that is happening now.

One useful question to ask yourself after an interaction is: Do I feel clearer, calmer, and understood, or do I feel confused, guilty, exhausted, and unsure of what just happened?

Your emotional response is not proof of someone's diagnosis, but repeated feelings of confusion and emotional exhaustion can be useful signals that a relationship dynamic needs closer attention.

2.4 How does a narcissist approach you?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may initially approach you with charm, compliments, intense interest, and apparent similarities. They may quickly discover that you love hiking, for example, and suddenly tell you that they also love hiking. They may mirror your interests, values, opinions, or dreams to create a sense of connection.

This can make you feel as though you have finally met someone who truly understands you. The relationship may progress very quickly, with intense intimacy, promises, and declarations of how special the connection is.

Over time, however, the charm may be replaced by attempts to control the relationship. The same person who once seemed completely accepting may begin criticizing your choices, testing your boundaries, or expecting increasing amounts of attention.

If you search for “how narcissists target,” remember that healthy people can also be charming and enthusiastic when they first meet someone. The important difference is consistency. A healthy person respects your pace, accepts “no,” allows you to maintain your independence, and does not need to rush you into emotional commitment.

When something feels too fast, too intense, or too perfect, slow down and give yourself enough time to observe the person's behaviour.

2.5 How does a narcissist react when exposed?

When confronted about behaviour that damages their image or exposes contradictions, a person with strong narcissistic traits may respond with denial, anger, blame, victim-playing, rewriting history, silent treatment, intimidation, or attempts to discredit the person who raised the concern.

Instead of saying, “I understand why that hurt you,” they may respond with statements such as, “You are the problem,” “You misunderstood everything,” or “After everything I have done for you, this is how you treat me?”

They may also change the subject, bring up your past mistakes, accuse you of being abusive, or tell other people a different version of what happened.

Healthy people can become defensive sometimes, but they are generally capable of returning to the conversation, listening, reflecting, and taking responsibility when appropriate. An intense, punishing reaction to reasonable concerns can be an important warning sign.

If you are considering confronting someone about their behaviour, think about safety first. You do not have to expose or challenge someone simply to prove that you are right. In some situations, quietly establishing a boundary and creating distance may be safer and more effective.

2.6 How does a narcissist gaslight?

Gaslighting can involve repeatedly denying events, changing the story, dismissing your feelings, or telling you that you are imagining things. A person may say, “That never happened,” “You are too sensitive,” or “You are remembering it wrong.”

In more extreme situations, they may move or hide belongings and later insist that you lost them. They may also tell other people that you are unstable, forgetful, dramatic, or unable to remember things correctly.

When this happens repeatedly, you may begin doubting yourself. You might apologize constantly, question your own memory, and ask the other person to confirm what really happened.

One important way to protect yourself is to keep a private journal or record of significant events, including dates, conversations, and facts. Keep it somewhere safe and private if doing so is appropriate.

You do not have to repeatedly check your memory with the person who is causing you to doubt it. If you are experiencing persistent manipulation, consider speaking with someone you trust or a qualified counsellor who can help you make sense of the pattern.

2.7 How does a narcissist apologize?

An apology from someone with strong narcissistic traits may be incomplete or designed to end the conflict rather than take genuine responsibility. Examples include, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” “I'm sorry, but you made me do it,” or a quick apology followed by a demand that you immediately forgive them.

Sometimes the apology may involve dramatic tears or emotional distress that shifts the focus away from the person who was hurt. Suddenly, you may find yourself comforting them instead of receiving an apology.

Another important warning sign is when the same behaviour happens again the next day, week, or month. Words alone do not demonstrate meaningful change.

A genuine apology usually includes specific acknowledgment of what was done wrong, responsibility without excuses, empathy for the person who was hurt, and a willingness to change the behaviour. Most importantly, genuine change is demonstrated consistently over time.

You are not required to give immediate forgiveness simply because someone has apologized. Forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding trust are separate decisions.

2.8 Why does a narcissist give silent treatment?

Silent treatment can be used as a form of control or punishment. It is different from genuinely needing time to calm down or process emotions.

Healthy communication might sound like, “I am too upset to talk right now. I need an hour, and then we can talk at 7.” This communicates a need for space while still respecting the relationship.

Manipulative silent treatment may involve deliberately ignoring messages, refusing to speak for hours or days, withholding affection, or creating uncertainty so that you become anxious and eventually chase the person for a response.

The purpose may be to make you feel powerless and desperate to restore the connection.

You do not have to beg someone to speak to you. Instead, focus on your own support system and establish a clear boundary. You might say, “I am willing to talk when we can communicate respectfully.”

If silence becomes part of a repeated pattern of emotional punishment, consider what the pattern is doing to your wellbeing.

2.9 Does a narcissist cheat and lie?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may lie or exaggerate achievements in order to protect their image. They may hide behaviours, give inconsistent explanations, keep their phone unusually secret, change their stories, or avoid taking responsibility when confronted.

Some may engage in infidelity because they feel entitled to attention, admiration, or sexual validation from multiple people. However, narcissistic traits do not automatically mean that someone will cheat, and cheating can occur for many different reasons.

If someone cheats, the decision to be unfaithful belongs to the person who made that choice. It is not automatically caused by something their partner did or failed to do.

Rather than focusing on one isolated lie, pay attention to patterns of secrecy, dishonesty, manipulation, and lack of accountability. If dishonesty affects shared finances, important documents, sexual-health risks, or other serious matters, consider obtaining appropriate professional guidance and protecting yourself practically.

2.10 Does a narcissist know they are a narcissist?

Many people with strong narcissistic traits do not see themselves as narcissistic. They may believe their behaviour is justified, necessary, or caused by other people. Instead of thinking, “I am behaving badly,” they may think, “I had no choice because they made me angry.”

Some people may recognize that they want admiration, attention, or status, but they may view those needs as evidence of their strength rather than as a problem.

Whether or not someone recognizes their own narcissistic traits does not necessarily change the effect their behaviour has on you.

Instead of becoming consumed by the question, “Do they know what they are doing?” it may be more helpful to ask, “How does their behaviour affect me, and what can I do to protect myself?”

You cannot build a healthy relationship based solely on whether someone eventually admits what they are doing.

2.11 Can a narcissist change?

Change is possible for people, but meaningful change requires more than promises. It generally requires genuine self-awareness, a willingness to accept responsibility, the development of empathy, consistent effort, and a sustained commitment to changing harmful behaviours. Professional help may also be necessary.

For someone with strong narcissistic traits, accepting responsibility can feel threatening because it challenges the way they see themselves. As a result, they may resist acknowledging their behaviour or blame other people instead.

Sometimes a person may make temporary improvements because they fear losing a relationship, attention, status, or another source of validation. However, those improvements may disappear once they feel secure again.

This is why it is important to judge change by consistent behaviour over a long period rather than by promises, emotional speeches, or a few good days.

You can hope that someone changes while still making your decisions based on the behaviour they consistently demonstrate in the present.

2.12 Will a narcissist come back after discarding you?

Many people who display strong narcissistic traits may attempt to return after ending a relationship, particularly when they want attention, another relationship has failed, or they sense that the person they left is beginning to become happy and independent.

This return is sometimes described as “hoovering.” The person may suddenly become loving, apologetic, nostalgic, or full of promises. They may say that they have changed or that they finally understand what they lost.

However, a return does not automatically mean that genuine love or lasting change has occurred. In some situations, the person may be seeking renewed attention, emotional access, or control.

Prepare your boundaries before the person returns. Write down why you left, keep a trusted support person available to contact, and decide in advance how you will respond to future attempts to reconnect.

You deserve consistent respect, honesty, and emotional safety—not occasional periods of charm followed by the return of the same harmful behaviour.

2.13 How does a narcissist control conversations?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may attempt to control conversations by interrupting, dominating the discussion, changing the subject, dismissing your feelings, or making every issue about themselves.

When confronted, they may bring up unrelated issues, remind you of mistakes from years ago, or use long and confusing explanations that make it difficult to remember what the original conversation was about. This type of confusing communication is sometimes described as “word salad.”

After a long conversation, you may feel exhausted, confused, or unable to explain what actually happened.

Healthy communication is generally mutual. Both people should have an opportunity to speak, listen, clarify misunderstandings, and address the actual issue.

To protect yourself, keep important conversations brief and focused. Avoid JADE—justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself endlessly. You can calmly say, “I would like to finish my thought,” or “We are discussing this issue, not the past.”

If the conversation continues to become disrespectful or manipulative, you are allowed to end it and leave.

2.14 How does a narcissist show jealousy?

Jealousy may appear in subtle or obvious ways. A person with strong narcissistic traits may minimize your achievements by saying, “That is not a big deal,” ignore good news, take credit for your success, or immediately turn the situation into a competition.

For example, you may share a personal achievement and they respond by telling you about an even bigger achievement of their own. They may also give backhanded compliments such as, “You actually look good today,” or quietly undermine you when you are doing well.

In some cases, jealousy may appear through withdrawal, silent treatment, criticism, or creating an argument immediately after you receive good news.

Healthy people do not need to diminish someone else's success in order to feel valuable. People who genuinely care about you can celebrate your achievements without turning them into a competition.

Notice whether you feel safe sharing good news with someone or whether you have learned to hide your successes because you are afraid of their reaction.

2.15 How does a narcissist handle criticism?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may have difficulty accepting criticism because even gentle feedback can feel like a threat to their self-image. Instead of listening and considering the feedback, they may respond with denial, anger, counter-attacks, blame, or accusations.

They may bring up your past mistakes, accuse you of attacking them, play the victim, or give you the silent treatment. The original concern can quickly disappear while the conversation becomes about everything you have supposedly done wrong.

Healthy communication allows someone to hear statements such as, “When you did X, I felt Y,” and discuss the situation without turning the conversation into an attack.

If you repeatedly experience punishment whenever you express a reasonable concern or vulnerable feeling, consider whether it is emotionally safe to continue sharing those feelings with that person.

You are allowed to have concerns without being punished simply for expressing them.

2.16 How does a narcissist use social media?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may use social media as a source of admiration, validation, attention, or control. They may post frequent selfies, constantly highlight their achievements, create an image of a perfect life, or become unusually upset when they do not receive enough likes or comments.

They may closely monitor your posts, question who you interact with, become jealous about likes or comments, or use social media to provoke you.

For example, after an argument or breakup, they may quickly post pictures with another person in a way that appears deliberately designed to make you jealous. They may also repeatedly monitor former partners or use mutual friends to keep track of what you are doing.

Not every person who posts frequently on social media is narcissistic. The important issue is the pattern and the way social media is being used within the relationship.

Healthy relationships respect privacy, personal boundaries, and independence. You should not feel that you have to monitor someone's online activity constantly to understand where you stand with them.

2.17 Why does a narcissist lie about small things?

Small lies may be used to maintain a perfect image, avoid accountability, control the story, or test whether you will accept dishonesty. Sometimes lying can also become habitual, especially when the person has learned that changing the truth helps them avoid consequences.

A seemingly insignificant lie may not be important because of the subject itself. It can become important because of what it reveals about the person's willingness to distort reality even when there is no good reason to do so.

Repeated small lies can gradually damage trust. You may begin questioning what is true, checking details, or feeling that you cannot rely on what the person tells you.

Healthy trust is built through honesty and consistency, including honesty about small things. Pay attention to repeated patterns rather than assuming that every individual mistake or inaccurate statement is evidence of narcissism.

2.18 How does a narcissist act during holidays?

Holidays and special occasions can become difficult when a person needs to be the centre of attention or struggles when they are not receiving admiration.

They may create drama before an event by starting arguments, creating a crisis, suddenly becoming ill, criticizing plans, or demanding that everything be organized around their preferences. They may complain about food, gifts, travel arrangements, or other people's choices.

If they do not get their way or receive the attention they expect, they may disappear, become angry, withdraw affection, or deliberately create conflict that changes the atmosphere of the entire occasion.

If you know that a particular holiday or event is likely to become stressful, prepare yourself in advance. Have a backup plan, keep your expectations realistic, arrange support from trusted people, and consider having an exit plan if the situation becomes unhealthy.

You can also create your own small traditions and meaningful moments instead of allowing one person's behaviour to determine whether the entire holiday is enjoyable.

2.19 What does a narcissist do when you are sick?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may struggle to respond with empathy when you are sick or vulnerable. Instead of focusing on your needs, they may become annoyed because your illness interferes with their plans or demands for attention.

They may minimize your condition by saying things such as, “You are not that sick,” or complain that you are making too much of it. They may disappear when you need support or turn your illness into a problem that affects them.

In some situations, personal information you shared while vulnerable may later be used against you during an argument.

Healthy love is especially visible during difficult times. A caring partner does not have to be perfect, but they should generally show concern, support, and willingness to help when you are vulnerable.

If you cannot depend on someone for basic emotional or practical support when you are sick, create a backup support plan involving trusted family members, friends, or appropriate services. Your wellbeing should not depend entirely on someone who repeatedly demonstrates that they are unwilling to support you.

2.20 How does a narcissist act when you succeed?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may struggle when someone close to them succeeds because another person's success can make them feel less important or less superior.

They may minimize your achievement by saying, “It is not a big deal,” ignore your good news, or take credit by saying, “You only succeeded because of my advice.” They may immediately compete with you, give you a backhanded compliment, or create an argument shortly after you receive good news.

Some may respond with silence or withdrawal rather than celebrating with you.

One important question to ask yourself is: Have I started hiding my good news because I am afraid of how this person will react?

Healthy people who love and respect you can celebrate your achievements without needing to make your success about themselves.

Share your wins with people who genuinely support you and who can celebrate your progress without turning it into a competition.

2.21 How does a narcissist act when you set boundaries?

A person with strong narcissistic traits may test a boundary almost immediately after you establish it. They may use guilt, anger, insults, pressure, or victim-playing to try to make you change your mind.

They may say things such as, “After everything I do for you,” “You are so selfish,” or “I can't believe you would treat me like this.” The goal may be to make you feel guilty enough to abandon the boundary.

They may also give you the silent treatment, become angry, or repeatedly ask the same question in different ways in the hope that you eventually give in.

A person's anger about your boundary can tell you something about how they view your independence. A healthy person may be disappointed by a boundary, but they can ultimately respect it.

You do not need a long explanation. A simple statement such as, “I am not available for that,” can be enough.

A boundary is not a demand that another person behave differently. It is a clear statement about what you will or will not participate in.

2.22 Why does a narcissist play victim?

Playing the victim can help a person avoid responsibility, gain sympathy, control the story, and make someone else appear to be the aggressor.

If they present themselves as the victim, they may receive attention, care, reassurance, or rescue from other people. At the same time, the person who was actually hurt may be portrayed as cruel, selfish, abusive, or unreasonable.

One sign of a repeated victim narrative is that the same story continues for years while the person never acknowledges their own contribution to the problems they describe.

It is possible to have compassion for someone's pain while still holding them responsible for their actions. Someone can have genuinely experienced difficult things and still be responsible for how they treat other people.

Compassion does not require you to accept manipulation or excuse harmful behaviour.

2.23 How does a narcissist react to no contact?

When you establish no contact, a person who is accustomed to having access to you may attempt different ways of getting your attention again.

They may use hoovering, including apologies, gifts, declarations of love, or promises to change. They may create fake or exaggerated emergencies to give you a reason to respond. In other situations, they may become angry and send hostile messages or threats. They may also begin a smear campaign, telling others that you are cruel, selfish, or unreasonable.

Sometimes they may pretend that they do not care while finding indirect ways to monitor you or contact you through other people.

The first weeks of no contact can be especially difficult because you may experience loneliness, doubt, guilt, and a strong urge to respond.

Prepare for those feelings before they arrive. Have a trusted support person you can call, remove reminders or mementos that make it harder to maintain your boundary if that is helpful, block communication where appropriate, and avoid unnecessary places or situations where you are likely to encounter the person.

If there are shared responsibilities such as children, work, or finances, complete no contact may not be possible. In those situations, consider limiting communication to necessary practical matters.

Every time you choose peace over returning to a harmful cycle, you strengthen your ability to move forward.

2.24 How does a narcissist manipulate with gifts?

Gifts can become manipulative when they come with expectations, guilt, obligations, or strings attached.

For example, someone may give you an expensive gift and repeatedly remind you about it for months whenever they want something from you. They may buy clothes they want you to wear, give you something designed to criticize you, such as a diet book, or make a public display of generosity so that other people will admire them.

They may also take gifts back after an argument or expect immediate and enormous gratitude, obedience, or loyalty in return.

A healthy gift is generally given freely, without creating an obligation to repay the giver emotionally or through obedience.

If receiving a gift consistently makes you feel indebted, guilty, controlled, or afraid of what will happen if you do not respond correctly, the issue may no longer be the gift itself. It may be part of a larger pattern of control.

2.25 How does a narcissist use your secrets?

When you trust someone, you may share your deepest fears, insecurities, painful experiences, or private information with them. In a healthy relationship, vulnerability should be treated with care and respect.

However, a manipulative person may later use those secrets as weapons during an argument. They may deliberately mention something you shared privately in order to embarrass, hurt, intimidate, or control you. In some cases, they may reveal your private information to other people in order to humiliate you or damage your reputation.

This type of betrayal can be particularly painful because the information was shared in a moment of trust.

Protect yourself by paying attention to how a person treats other people's private information and how they respond when someone is vulnerable. You do not have to share deeply personal information with someone who has already demonstrated that they lack empathy or use private information as ammunition.

Healthy love protects vulnerability even during conflict. Trust should be built gradually, and private information should not become a weapon simply because a relationship becomes difficult.