Chapter 5

HOW TO LEAVE SAFELY

5.1. How to leave when nowhere to go?

Leaving can feel impossible when you do not have a safe place to stay, money, transportation, or supportive family nearby. However, you do not necessarily need to have everything figured out before you begin planning.

Start by contacting safe and trustworthy people who may be able to help, such as a close friend, family member, shelter, community organisation, church, counsellor, or support group. Domestic-violence and abuse-support services may also be able to help you identify emergency accommodation and other resources.

If it is safe to do so, gradually gather important documents such as identification, birth certificates, passports, banking information, medical information, medication, and children's documents. Saving even a small amount of money can also help if doing so will not increase your risk.

Create a basic safety plan that includes a safe place to go, emergency contacts, transportation, and a code word that you can use with a trusted person if you need help without explaining the situation.

You are not required to solve everything in one day. One safe conversation or one phone call can be the beginning of your way out.

5.2. What to pack secretly?

If you believe that packing openly could put you at risk, gather essential items gradually and only when it is safe to do so.

Important items may include identification documents, passports, birth certificates, banking information, medication, spare keys, cash, several changes of clothing, important telephone numbers, children's documents, medical records, and essential personal items.

If possible, keep an emergency bag somewhere your partner cannot easily find it, such as with a trusted friend or family member. If you have children, include necessary clothing, medication, comfort items, and important documents for them as well.

Do not risk your safety simply to save possessions. Furniture, clothing, electronics, and other belongings can be replaced. Your safety and your life cannot.

5.3. How to create a safety plan when trapped?

If you currently feel trapped, begin with a simple safety plan rather than trying to solve your entire future at once.

Identify a safe place where you could go in an emergency, such as a trusted person's home or an appropriate shelter. Write down or memorise important emergency contacts.

Create a code word with someone you trust. For example, an ordinary message could secretly mean, “Please call me,” or “I need emergency help.” Make sure the person understands exactly what they should do if you use the code word.

If you have children, think about who could safely collect them, where they could go, and what documents or medication they would need. Keep essential items ready if you may need to leave quickly.

Keep your telephone charged whenever possible and know how to contact emergency services in your area.

If your partner monitors your devices, do not store your safety plan somewhere they can easily find it. Consider whether it is safer to use a device or account they cannot access.

5.4. How to find help when no one believes?

Abusive people can appear charming, generous, and completely different in public. This can make survivors feel isolated when others refuse to believe what happens privately.

You do not need everyone to understand your experience before you deserve help.

Start with one person who is willing to listen without judging you. This could be a trusted friend, counsellor, support worker, therapist, doctor, community organisation, or abuse-support group.

If it is safe, privately document important incidents, including dates, what happened, messages, threats, financial information, or other relevant evidence.

You may encounter people who minimise what you have experienced. That does not make your experience less real.

Look for support from people who understand patterns of emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse and can help you make a practical safety plan.

5.5. How to leave financially when they control money?

Financial control can make leaving extremely difficult. An abusive partner may monitor every purchase, give you an allowance, hide income or assets, deny you access to joint accounts, prevent you from working, or create debt in your name.

If it is safe, begin gathering information about your financial situation. Keep copies or records of important bank statements, account numbers, debts, insurance information, property documents, and other financial records.

If doing so will not put you at greater risk, consider establishing an account that the other person cannot control and gradually saving whatever amount you safely can.

You can also explore employment opportunities, job training, financial counselling, legal assistance, or organisations that support survivors experiencing financial abuse.

Do not confront the person about hidden money or financial plans if doing so could increase the danger.

Financial abuse is real abuse. You deserve the ability to make safe decisions about your own money and future.

5.6. How to leave emotionally when still love them?

Leaving someone you still love can be one of the most painful parts of ending an abusive relationship.

You may remember the good times, miss the person, question yourself, or wonder whether things could become different. Those feelings do not mean that leaving is the wrong decision.

The good memories may have been real, and the harmful experiences were real too. You do not have to erase the good moments to acknowledge the damage caused by the relationship.

You can love someone and still decide that you cannot safely remain with them.

Give yourself permission to grieve not only the relationship but also the future you hoped the relationship would become.

When guilt or longing appears, speak to yourself with the same compassion you would give a close friend in the same situation.

You are not weak because you loved deeply. Your capacity to love is not the problem. You simply need boundaries that protect you.

5.7. What to do first 48 hours after leaving?

The first hours and days after leaving can bring a confusing mixture of relief, fear, guilt, sadness, anger, numbness, and uncertainty. These feelings can appear one after another or all at once.

Your first priority is safety.

Stay somewhere safe and tell at least one trustworthy person where you are, if doing so is safe. Avoid unnecessary contact with the person you left, especially during the initial period when emotions may be intense.

Try to eat, drink water, rest, and breathe. Your body may be recovering from prolonged stress.

Avoid making major decisions unless they are necessary. Give yourself time to think clearly.

If you begin doubting yourself, read the list of reasons you decided to leave. Remind yourself that temporary loneliness or guilt does not erase the reasons you needed safety.

You have already taken an incredibly difficult step. Be patient with yourself while your life begins to stabilise.

5.8. How does narcissist use money to control?

A person using financial abuse may hide income, monitor every expense, control access to bank accounts, provide an allowance, deny access to joint money, or use money as a reward and punishment.

They may say, “You can have money if you do what I want,” or make you feel that every basic necessity is something you must earn through obedience.

They may also create debt in your name, control employment decisions, prevent you from developing financial independence, or use gifts and financial support to create a sense of obligation.

These behaviours are not simply relationship disagreements. Financial control can be a form of abuse.

If it is safe, gather information about your finances, understand your rights, and seek appropriate financial or legal support.

You deserve financial autonomy and the ability to make decisions about your future without being controlled through money.

5.9. How to co-parent with narcissist?

Co-parenting with a highly manipulative or conflict-driven person can be extremely difficult. The goal is to reduce unnecessary conflict and keep communication focused on the children.

Keep communication brief, factual, and focused on practical matters such as school, medical appointments, schedules, and necessary expenses.

Written communication can provide a clear record of agreements and important conversations. Depending on your circumstances, a parenting communication application may also be useful.

Avoid turning every disagreement into an emotional debate. Do not feel pressured to respond immediately to provocative messages.

Document important agreements and incidents appropriately.

When traditional cooperative co-parenting is not realistic because of ongoing conflict, a more structured approach sometimes called parallel parenting may reduce direct interaction between parents while providing clear rules and routines for the children.

Keep your children's wellbeing at the centre. Do not use them as messengers or ask them to take sides.

5.10. How to leave with children safely?

If you are leaving with children, safety planning becomes even more important.

Gather essential documents such as birth certificates, identification, medical information, school information, medication, and any relevant legal or custody documents.

Identify a safe place that can accommodate the children and consider how you will get there safely.

If appropriate and safe, inform the school or childcare provider about who is authorised to collect the children and follow any applicable legal or school procedures.

Keep the children's routines as stable as possible. Children may be frightened or confused by major changes, so offer simple, age-appropriate reassurance.

You might say, “We are going somewhere safe. We are going to be okay. I love you.”

Avoid giving children adult details about the conflict or asking them to choose between parents. Allow them to express their feelings without making them responsible for your emotions.

Pack familiar comfort items, clothing, medication, school supplies, and anything else that helps them feel secure.

5.11. How to leave when they threaten?

Threats are serious, particularly when someone threatens you because you are considering leaving.

If you receive threats, document them when it is safe to do so. Record dates, times, the exact nature of the threat, messages, emails, or other evidence that can safely be preserved.

Tell someone trustworthy what is happening. If you believe you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services or an appropriate local emergency or protection service.

Consider where you could go quickly, how you would get there, who could help you, and what you would take if you had to leave immediately.

Do not announce your departure or confront the person about leaving if doing so could increase the risk.

Your safety is more important than proving that you are right. When threats are present, plan carefully and seek professional support where possible.

5.12. How to leave when share house?

Sharing a home can make leaving complicated because you may need to plan around the other person's movements.

If possible and safe, arrange your destination, transportation, essential documents, medication, and emergency bag before leaving.

You may choose a time when the other person is away, but only if doing so genuinely reduces your risk.

Tell a trusted person when you intend to leave and ask them to be available if you need assistance.

Keep important keys, documents, money, and your telephone accessible.

Do not allow the desire to collect every possession to delay your departure if you are in danger. Your immediate safety comes first.

5.13. How to leave when share pets?

Pets are family members, and concern for their safety can be one of the reasons people remain in abusive homes.

Include your pets in your safety plan. Arrange a safe temporary location with a trusted person, family member, veterinarian, shelter, rescue organisation, or other appropriate service where available.

Prepare a carrier, food, medication, veterinary information, identification, and any important ownership records.

If you need to leave your pet temporarily, make sure the person caring for the animal understands the situation and knows not to disclose your location if doing so could put you at risk.

If possible, research shelters and organisations in your area before leaving, because some have arrangements for people leaving abusive relationships with pets.

Your pet's safety matters, but do not put your own life in immediate danger trying to retrieve belongings or animals.

5.14. How to keep job while leaving?

Keeping employment can provide important financial stability and independence while you are leaving.

If it is safe and necessary, consider telling a trusted manager, HR representative, security officer, or colleague enough information for them to understand how they can support you.

You do not have to disclose every personal detail.

Try to maintain your normal work routine where possible, while preparing for unexpected situations such as childcare problems, transportation issues, or unwanted contact at your workplace.

Protect important work documents and keep your personal and work information appropriately separated.

If you have children, arrange backup childcare where possible.

Keep your telephone charged and identify someone at work you can contact if an emergency occurs.

5.15. How to leave without them knowing planning?

If announcing your plans could increase your risk, quiet preparation may be safer than openly discussing your intention to leave.

Take small steps over time when possible. Gather documents, identify a safe place, arrange transportation, save emergency funds if safe, and build a support network.

Be careful about sharing your plans with mutual friends or relatives who may unintentionally—or deliberately—pass information back to the abusive person.

If your devices are monitored, consider whether it is safe to use a private device or account. Be aware that browsing history, location sharing, shared accounts, passwords, and notifications can reveal information.

Do not rely on deleting individual messages as your only form of digital safety. Consider the full range of ways someone may have access to your accounts or devices.

The goal is not secrecy for its own sake. The goal is to prevent your preparation from being used to increase the danger you face.

5.16. How to deal with guilt when leaving?

Guilt is extremely common after leaving an abusive relationship.

You may think, “Maybe I should have tried harder,” “Maybe I am abandoning them,” or “Maybe I am a bad person for leaving.”

Remember that having guilt does not necessarily mean you have done something wrong. People with strong consciences can feel guilty even when they are making healthy decisions.

Manipulation can also teach you to feel responsible for another person's emotions, anger, happiness, or behaviour.

When guilt appears, return to the reasons you decided to leave. Write them down while your thinking is clear and read the list when you begin doubting yourself.

Talk to someone who understands what you have experienced.

You are allowed to choose safety. Protecting yourself does not make you selfish or cruel.

5.18. How to handle promises to change when leave?

Promises to change can become especially intense when someone realises that you are serious about leaving.

They may promise therapy, marriage counselling, complete personality changes, or a future where everything will finally be different. They may cry, apologise, or say exactly what they believe you want to hear.

Promises should not be confused with lasting change.

Real change requires the person to recognise their behaviour, accept responsibility without blaming you, develop genuine empathy, and consistently behave differently over a substantial period of time.

It also means respecting your decision even if you choose not to return.

Do not base your safety on promises made during a crisis. Look at consistent behaviour over time.

You are allowed to leave even if someone says they will change.

5.19. How to handle family who says stay?

Family members may encourage you to remain in an unhealthy relationship because they do not understand what happens privately, fear change, value keeping the family together, or have their own beliefs about marriage and separation.

You may hear things such as, “Marriage is forever,” “Think about the children,” “He is not that bad,” or “Just forgive her and keep the peace.”

You do not have to convince everyone before protecting yourself.

You can respond calmly by saying that you appreciate their concern but need to make the decision that is safest and healthiest for you.

Seek support from people who understand abuse rather than people whose primary goal is to preserve appearances or avoid family conflict.

You are not responsible for sacrificing your safety simply to make other people comfortable.

5.20. How to find housing after leaving?

Finding housing after leaving can be one of the biggest practical challenges.

Begin by contacting shelters, housing-assistance programmes, community organisations, churches, trusted friends, or family members who may be able to provide temporary accommodation.

Some organisations specifically support people leaving abusive relationships and may offer emergency housing, transitional accommodation, financial assistance, counselling, or help finding longer-term housing.

If you have children, ask whether the accommodation is appropriate for families.

If you have little or no money, still ask for help. You may qualify for services even if you cannot afford private accommodation.

Make housing decisions based on safety as well as cost and convenience.

5.21. How to keep leaving private from flying monkeys?

If people connected to the abusive person regularly pass information back to them, be careful about who receives details of your plans.

Share your location, new address, workplace information, travel plans, and other sensitive information only with people you genuinely trust.

Ask trusted people not to share your information with anyone else.

Review your social-media privacy settings and avoid posting photographs, locations, or updates that could reveal where you are staying.

You may need to temporarily block or restrict certain mutual contacts.

Do not assume that someone is safe simply because they say they support you. Pay attention to whether they respect confidentiality.

Your new location should remain private if revealing it could put you at risk.

5.22. How to document abuse safely?

Documentation can help you remember what happened and may also be useful if you later need professional, legal, workplace, housing, or protective assistance.

If it is safe, keep a private record of significant incidents, including dates, times, what happened, threats, messages, financial control, property damage, or other relevant information.

Photographs or copies of important documents may also be useful when appropriate.

However, documentation should never put you in greater danger.

If the other person has access to your telephone, computer, email, cloud storage, or accounts, think carefully about where information is stored.

A trusted person may be able to keep copies for you. Depending on your circumstances, a secure account or another safe storage method may also be appropriate.

Do not take unnecessary risks simply to collect evidence. Your immediate safety comes first.

5.23. How to leave when no money?

Having no money does not mean you have no options.

Contact shelters, community organisations, support groups, churches, social-service organisations, or other services that assist people experiencing abuse. Some programmes may provide emergency accommodation, food, transportation, clothing, counselling, legal assistance, or other practical support.

If you have one trustworthy person, tell them clearly that you need help leaving and explain what kind of help would make the biggest difference.

Gather essential documents when safe, because identification and financial information may be necessary when applying for assistance.

Some of the most important first steps—such as creating a safety plan, identifying safe people, and gathering information—may cost nothing.

You deserve help even if you currently have no money.

5.24. How to leave when isolated?

Isolation is often a powerful method of control. An abusive person may gradually separate you from family and friends, discourage transportation, criticise everyone you trust, or make you feel that nobody else cares about you.

Start with one safe connection.

This could be an old friend, family member, counsellor, support worker, community organisation, or an appropriate online support service.

If your telephone or computer is monitored, consider whether there is a safer way to communicate, such as using a trusted person's device or another safe public resource.

You do not need to rebuild your entire support network immediately.

One trustworthy person can help connect you to additional resources, accommodation, transportation, financial assistance, counselling, or other forms of support.

Isolation can make the situation feel impossible, but one safe connection can be the first opening toward freedom.

5.25. How to tell children you are leaving?

Children need reassurance, stability, and age-appropriate information when parents separate or leave an unsafe home.

You do not need to tell them all the adult details of the relationship.

Depending on their age, you can say something simple such as, “We are going somewhere safe. We are going to be okay. I love you.”

Reassure them that the situation is not their fault and that they are allowed to have feelings about what is happening.

Try to maintain familiar routines around school, meals, bedtime, friends, and activities whenever possible.

Avoid asking children to carry messages between parents or making them responsible for choosing sides.

It is also important not to use children as a source of information about the other parent.

Children can love a parent while also being affected by that parent's behaviour. Give them permission to talk about their feelings without making them feel guilty.

Comfort items, familiar clothing, favourite toys, and other small belongings can help children feel secure during a major transition.

5.26. How to stay safe after leave?

Leaving is not always the end of the risk. In some situations, the period immediately after separation can involve increased attempts to regain control.

Consider practical safety measures such as changing locks or passwords where appropriate, reviewing who has access to your accounts, and limiting unnecessary contact.

Tell trusted neighbours, friends, family members, your workplace, or relevant professionals about the situation if doing so would improve your safety.

Be careful about sharing your location, daily routine, new address, children's school information, or photographs online.

Keep important documents and emergency contacts in a secure place. Keep your telephone charged and make sure you know how to reach emergency assistance if necessary.

If contact with the person is unavoidable because of children, work, property, or legal matters, keep communication structured, factual, and focused on the necessary issue.

Most importantly, continue building a life that is not centred around the abusive person's reactions.

Leaving is a process, not a single moment. Every safe step you take toward independence, stability, and peace matters.